Bhawana Somaaya

It is said that three kinds of people come into our lives. The first who come for reasons…The second who come for seasons… And the third, to be with you for a lifetime…And all these people have something to impart to you and you to them, for that is the law of the universe.

As children we learn life’s biggest lessons from our parents, then teachers and finally colleagues and friends we encounter in our journey of life. Some out of these transform into precious relationships and some become impressions to nurture and nourish. I have always been superstitious about writing about my loved ones, so will refrain from commenting on the former except that I’m privileged to have their enlightened presence in my life.

The latter comprises encounters with innumerable strangers and acquaintances and even though these interactions were not always permanent, they were meaningful as long as they lasted. It was as if they were destined to lend a fragrance in my life and when they did, they mysteriously disappeared, some lingered on and some reappeared to deliver a different message in a different way.

Today, when I look back images come gushing to me and I remember. Almost 30 years ago when I became a film journalist an elderly relative in the family asked, ‘How can a profession delving on the lives of other people enrich anyone?’ Too young to understand the enormity of the question, I had no answer but so many years later, I do.

My profession demands me to comment on the dangerous living of dream merchants. For most of them show business is a world of scandal but there is another side to stardom, the better side— of creativity and compassion, of warmth and wisdom— that an outsider will never know. Inaccessibility prevents identification. Insecurity is an overwhelming emotion in any creative profession. In the film industry it is more so. Film stars are peddlers of emotion and, therefore there are more emotional wrecks in the film world than in any other place. There is shame and scandal, exhibitionism and eccentricity, but there is also energy, a fatal attraction about the world of cinema that is obsessive and enriching.

I know I have spent all my growing up years here. The dream merchants are vibrant, wholesome, sensitive, artistic people and I have learnt some valuable lessons of life from them.

I was introduced to late Nargis Dutt at a trial show in their preview theatre Ajanta Arts in Bandra in the early 80s. It was an extremely boring film and young as I was, I was contemplating leaving the show in the interval. Nargis must have overheard my conversation with a colleague and even though we were meeting for the first time she took me aside to explain that I must never walk out of any film— no matter how boring because it is extremely rude and insulting to the filmmaker. I have remembered that.

Shashi Kapoor taught me professionalism and regard for veterans. He taught me that it was my duty as a junior reporter to introduce myself to the elders on the set rather than wait to be introduced to them. He taught me to address everyone with-‘ ji’-to do namaste and constantly supervised my Hindi pronunciations, said it was ‘phaansi’ not ‘faansi’ and finally disciplined me and all of Bombay on theatre manners where late comers are not permitted.

Rishi Kapoor taught me that one who barks does not bite, that it is easier to deal with short tempered people than those who don’t reveal their anger. Naseerudin Shah taught me that a healthy actor devotes as much time to his craft as to recreation. He taught me how a good actor is always prepared with his lines on the sets.

Late Nutan made me aware that it is the journalist’s duty to prepare on her subject before arriving for an interview. So many of them come unprepared and ask veteran actors like her how she came into films. She said visitors to dubbings and shootings ought to be tutored so as not to disturb the artistes because it’s not easy building up for an emotional scene.

Anil Kapoor taught me how hard work always pays and how important passion is for ambition. He said the bigger you dream the higher you fly and his career is an example of many such rags to riches stories. Anil taught me that whenever at turning points, one must leap without fear because testing times are another name for opportunities and I have done that and never regretted.

Some like Lalita Pawar revealed to me that being selective is being special. She said she was extremely choosy not just about her roles but also people she interacted. She said she kept away from gossip mongers and considered it a waste of time talking to unqualified professionals, particularly the media. ‘They come to us for nostalgic features but listen to us distractedly. It is evident while we are talking to them that they are not interested, in which case is it worth making an effort?’

Aamir Khan taught me that conviction is paramount. If you are convinced about what you do then everything falls into place and if you are not, the biggest and the best projects will be shadowed by self doubt and never shine. He said it is better to take long over your decisions rather than make them in a hurry and curse yourself.

Asha Parekh taught me that one should always be ready for challenges, to experiment with new roles like she did as a producer, director, censor chief and it doesn’t matter that you may win some and lose some. Ranbir Kapoor taught me that passion is all and if you follow your heart, do the kind of work you love there is no way you can go wrong. He did that and broke all the hearts and rules.

My grooming lessons predictably came from the diva herself–Rekha. She led me to say goodbye to oil and sugar to remain slim forever, to say goodbye to pillows to retain a neck without wrinkles. She advised me to walk five miles a day, drink gallons of water, exercise, sleep and wake up early. Eat five almonds and two fruits a day good for healthy skin and hair. I have not followed that and it is showing.

Waheeda Rehman taught me how to be poised and graceful, how to dress and look your age, how to accept life and smile through troubles. Ajay Devgan taught me the importance of professionalism. It takes a lot to provoke Ajay and this reflects confidence. Devgan is perhaps the least controversial actors.

Salman Khan is just the opposite but has extraordinary qualities as an actor and as a person. He taught me generosity; Salman will do anything for his friends. He taught me endurance; he has been through a lot in life but never complained. Today he is the most misunderstood guy in filmdom but he never cares to explain himself.

Hema Malini taught me that there is a time and place for every thing and sometimes it is best to surrender to destiny. Her mother forced her to learn dance as a little girl and even though there were times she hated it she continued trusting that her mother knew what was better for her and today she is reaping harvest of those efforts. At a time when her acting assignments have reduced considerably Hema Malini keeps herself busy with her dance tours and performances.

Shahid Kapoor taught me how to evolve despite a bad beginning, how never to say die and keep trying till the tide turns for you. Kareena Kapoor taught me how to reinvent yourself, how to rewrite your destiny and how to live without fear or baggage. Saif Ali Khan taught me to value one’s worth. He had the courage to refuse second leads. It was difficult initially to convince his filmmakers but slowly and gradually he paved a path for himself and today he negotiates what he deserves and perhaps a little more.

Jaya Bhaduri was already Bachchan by the time I became a journalist and those were the days Amitabh was not talking to the media. During his peak war with the press I bumped into Jaya on a staircase and said ‘Hi’ spontaneously to which she responded just as naturally. In the coming years, I bumped into Jaya at the oddest places- a musical concert, airport, Prithvi Theatre, hospital when Smita Patil died and always, Jaya remained her own person. I learnt from her that loyalty to partner does not mean curbing natural responses.

In the 90s Amitabh Bachchan in a surprise move lifted the ban on the media and made truce. Ever since I have done several interviews and books with the actor and observing him have imbibed many virtues like patience, perseverance and discipline. He is the finest example of the proverb- Silence is Golden – Despite innumerable provocation and attacks from the media for 15 long years Bachchan did not retaliate and continued to remain silent. His life has been a roller coaster ride and he taught me how to rise after every fall, how to fly higher and higher and remain grounded.

And finally Shabana Azmi, she remains a strong source of influence in my life. I have imbibed the most precious lessons of life just being around her and observing her. Her reactions to films, theatre, acting, poetry or just philosophy of life have been inspiring. I have sought her wisdom in conflict and she has never let me down. Her contribution in my growth as a journalist is significant; in fact it would not be an exaggeration to say that in the jungle world called films, Shabana is my only anchor.

Almost everybody turns nostalgic when they talk about their childhood. They describe the days gone by in glorious terms, filled with innocence and abandon. I disagree. I believe that people who tend to romanticize the past are people who are unable to deal with the present.

I can deal with my present and I have no hesitation to admit that childhood for me was far from the carnival it is made out to be. And thank God I’m not alone in this thought process. Pt. Ram Shastri, F.Scot Fitzgerald, Javed Akhtar, Sant Gyaneshwar have written extensively about their early anguished days. In fact it is believed that most creative people have a troubled past because of which they transform into artistes.

We have been reared to believe that childhood is blissful while in reality childhood is an extremely turbulent, lonely and often frightening phase of our life. It is a phase when you have too many questions and almost no answers.

Psychiatrists say that if adults peeped into the hearts and minds of their children they will never recognize themselves. Hindi films portray the young hero and heroine running into forests and plucking jamuns from a tree. In reality the sepia images are far from lyrical.

On many occasions I have tried to recreate my past in to postcards but unlike our films the images get blurred and dissolve. When I concentrate harder, incomplete visuals fall like dew-drops on my blank canvass and I weave my own story, part fact and part perspective.

I recall hazy images…

…A two year-old huddled inside a cradle placed in the centre of the room often filled with guests and conversations. Young as I am, I understand that getting out of my space will be an invasion into the adult world. So I stay inside without stirring sometimes for hours…Only once in a while when the guests overstay and I’m uncomfortable I call out to my mother and ask, “Ma have the guests left..?” The guests are amused by my shyness and the family almost proud of my self control. “It is extra-ordinary to depict such restraint at such a tender age” they say.

It is the beginning and how strange that nobody pauses to ponder what goes on in a child’s head…Why I behave the way I do..? Can it be because most of the time adults are too busy and don’t pay adequate attention to children or perhaps they don’t sense anything amiss in their surrounding..?

If I jog my memory further I recall a rope swing tied to the balcony door of our old home facing a crowded street. Every evening I’m put on this swing and spend my time watching the hawkers and the people pass by. At dusk when my elder brother returns home after a tired day’s work he gently pushes my saddle and says to mother, “She sits there looking out of the window day after day…wonder what she thinks.”

We assume most of the time that children are day-dreaming but my brother had given thought to my silences and he was right. I was thinking. Day after day I worried about the vendors on the street… I worried about how they would carry their belongings and find their way home… Now when I think of it I feel that children absorb more than we credit them. It is just that they are not equipped to express themselves and thank God for if they did they would frighten their parents..!

Today as I sit at my desk to write this article many montages play in my mind…

I remember my first visit to a Railway Station accompanied by my father. He bought our tickets at a modest window and then led me through a crowded passage to a tall bridge. It was a mighty iron bridge with circular design on the steps. I refused to climb the bridge for I feared slipping down from the little holes. My father was worried. He pushed three fingers inside the circular design and demonstrated why I can never fall down from the steps. “You can only fall if the bridge collapses…” he explained.

I remembered that and after that I prayed every night that the bridge must never collapse. One day, I forgot to pray. I was certain that the bridge had collapsed! In the morning I rushed to the balcony and was surprised to find the bridge in place. I felt betrayed. Had I wasted my precious time in worrying about an unworthy cause? My mind was restless with questions but there was nobody to provide me the answers.

I assumed I would resolve all my conflicts when I attended school but those were hectic days burdened with accountability. The school bag, the rain coat, the water bottle…One had to remember to wear the canvass shoes for the PT class, the salwar and ghungroos for the dance class, the Guide uniform for the extra curricular activities…Every day the time-table had to be checked, the home-work completed, uniform ironed and shoes polished.

There was too much to learn in too little time…How to walk in the rain and balance in the floods, how to catch the bus on time and solve the Algebra sum, how to wash the lunch box and wrap it in the plastic bag, how to cover the books and put the labels, how to remember the lessons, recite poetry and make presentation on the annual day.

It was a turbulent phase filled with self doubt and as time went by the anxieties only multiplied. The pressure for better grades, the pain of puberty, the rivalry in the class room, the embarrassment of a new pimple, the changing body language and the gaze around you. There was too much to cope and too little support.
Childhood was a lonely world…

Then one day, I still remember clearly, the family was travelling to a relative’s home by the BEST bus. As children we were trained to grab an empty seat to prevent from falling down in a moving vehicle. So that day like every time I charged towards an empty seat and was about to plonk when my older sibling pulled me up and seated my mother instead. I was confused and when we got off at our destination immediately asked her about it. “Because” she explained, “You are a big girl now and Mother has turned old. It is her turn to be protected by us.”

I wasn’t sure if I had heard it right but when I looked up, the skyline appeared a different colour. My sister’s words reverberated in my ears and in days to come there was ample proof of it. Anupam Kher once said in my interview that when we grow old it is usually others who make us aware of it. How true because a few days later for the first time Father sought my opinion on purchasing a new dinning table…Suddenly the older girls in the building did not stop whispering when I joined them…Suddenly I stopped enjoying being with my younger cousins.

Finally, the umbilical chord with childhood was broken. Finally, I had my passport to adulthood. Finally, I was free to inhale and exhale, to make my choices and pursue my vision without seeking permission. I was free to make judgements, follow my path and speak my mind without interference. I was free to live my life and make mistakes, to regret or rejoice, to exercise caution or be reckless.

Unlike school and college, life as an adult was a ride without trappings. It provided all the answers I had been looking for. Now I shopped my own clothes, purchased my jewellery, decided the menu and also my investments. There were hardly any doors I didn’t know how to open or conflicts I didn’t know how to resolve. I knew how to win friends and influence people. I knew how to negotiate a better deal or restore faith when relationships soured.

As time went by I felt I was in control of my life. I was no more weighed down by domestic or moral dilemmas. There were frequent blockages but I accepted them as part of destiny.

I never missed my childhood and never craved for those days to return. Perhaps people who do are people who fear looking ahead. They fear getting old. I don’t because the older I get the wiser I turn. Yes there are a few grey strands in my hair today and my reflexes are slower too but I’m less anxious today than I was as a child.

According to me the real picnic begins now. If MFHussain…Dev Anand…Lata Mangeshkar and Amitabh Bachchan can lead a wholesome life at 66 and beyond so can all of us.
It is time we stop glorifying flashback scenes where the young hero and heroine ran into dense forest.Who cares for the sepia tones. I want to lead my life in rainbow colours complete with Dolby sound. I don’t want to look back…Only forward.

Bhawana Somaaya(Critic, Columnist, Author)
Web-www.bhawanasomaaya.com
Email-contact@bhawanasomaaya.com

I was sitting with friends and we were all discussing the turning points in a human being’s life. Do turning points alter our destiny….? Or does our destiny lead us to these turning points…? The topic is debatable. One thing is for certain though that there is a mightier force guiding all of us. I have never stopped to ponder over the impact of certain events in my life, but now that I do, it’s also time to acknowledge people who made the difference….!

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My mother was 45 when she conceived me. The doctors were concerned for her health. It is said that the nurse who delivered me was hesitant to break the news to my aged father waiting on a bench all night. She had come to know that I was the sixth daughter and the eighth child of my middle class parents and she assumed that the news would break my father’s heart.

She was wrong. My father, on hearing the news, extracted a five-rupee note from his pocket and said, “Our walking stick has arrived. …We are going to have a companion in our old age…” My father depicted rare courage though deep down I’m sure both my parents felt concerned about my future.

When I grew up my older siblings recounted many stories of my childhood, some cheerful and some not so pleasant but strangely I was never filled with sadness. It can be because they narrated these stories with immense humour and affection.

Time alters perspective and wisdom turns you philosophic. In my quiet moments I have often wondered that would have happened if my mother had not been able to sustain me in her womb many years ago…? Chances are that I would have settled for another womb, found another home and perhaps another destiny…! There is no guarantee that I would have been happier or even healthier. One thing is for certain. I would have been deprived of the opportunity of being my parents’ child!

So thank you Ba and Bapujee for having me. For not being bogged down by societal pressures.

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I was 20 and raring to go. I had stars in my eyes and wings that would not fold. When I look back on it now, it seems like a scene from a film and in many ways it was.

The morning newspaper invited college students with a flair for writing for a walk-in interview. In response I landed in Bombay’s premier Taj Mahal Hotel to try my luck. As I stood facing a panel of stern looking judges, I shuddered to think what my parents would say about my adventure. The interview lasted some ten long minutes. I was asked the craziest questions after which I discovered to my horror that I was confirmed for the job as a film journalist.

“But I don’t want to be a film journalist,” I told the eminent members on the panel. There was an awkward silence and then a veteran thundered, “Then why the hell are you wasting everybody’s time here…?” I had no answer and quietly left the room.

There is no logical explanation for why I changed my mind and despite a degree in Law opted to become a film journalist after all. There is no explaining why I sustained in this high strung profession for 30 long years and enjoyed it.

Today there is no doubt in my mind that it is the right choice for me. But could this have occurred had I not courted a mid-summer adventure many summers ago…? It is because I was bold enough to speak my mind…to follow my heart that I was able to pursue my dream…It is not easy surviving show business!

Thank you jury for challenging me… It’s because of you that I was motivated and I am where I am.

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Over the years, there were many happy and sad moments in my personal life and career. Some of these memories linger even now… The first time I bought a sari with my hard earned money… The first time I purchased my diamonds… The first time I bought a car… My first apartment… The first time I turned an editor… The first time I turned an author…

Some revive old wounds… The dreadful night when I lost my father… Ever since, I have been filled with fear of darkness! My mother understood this and when it was time for her to say good-bye, she chose to exit at dawn. She had faith that her daughter will rise above the suffering and she was not wrong. Before she departed, she prepared me to absorb all experiences that come my way positively.

They say time is a great healer and it is perhaps the blessings of the deceased that I can look back on my caravan of life with gratitude and wonderment. Everyone who touched my life had a message to impart.

A few years ago, my loyal maid of many years lost her husband and she was devastated. When I saw her crying beside the dead body I was sure life would never be the same for her. But a month later, tugging her six-month old baby at her waist, she was back to the job. “Of course I miss him and feel his presence all the time,” she said to me with tears in her eyes, “But life has to go on. …”

How right she was. Life goes on and we fall into what is laid for us. In our happier moments we think we make the choices when in reality the turning points we encounter are all predestined…

Thank you life for being the greatest teacher…

Bhawana Somaaya